That Blue

That Blue


It’s a thick, soupy fog
Extremely low flying clouds
Visibility zero
And other things pilots might say
When it’s hard to see
I don’t
I don’t have the energy to be cleverer

I have sapped the strength
From myself
Jammed the hose in
Deep, deeper, deepest
With my own hands
Turned the pump on
Willingly

Cured the strands of rope
Braided them
Tied, lashed, tightened, overlapped
Imprisoned
Welding a cage from the inside

There isn’t a thing I could say
Okay
I could say a lot
But I shouldn’t
Or should I?
I should but I should but I should but…
I do
It doesn’t mean anything

It’s pointless

No it’s not

Not if I make it
A road that doesn’t (have to) end

I am the architect
Of my own path
Erector Set’s bottomless bucket
I am the marble that rolls
And the hand that pushes it
The hinges that snap
Springs jump
Sending spinning
Loop-the-loop
Wild careen

I am so sorry I am saying it
This way
Instead of the way
I ought to

Maybe

I am not even sure what I am
Sorry for anymore

Yes I am

Just as with the road
I dug the pit as well
Lined it with sharp rocks and fire
Such a cliché

No it’s not

I hate this
I don’t hate you

Given

No one laughs
At the retarded nothings
Like you do
In fact they don’t laugh at all
Not even a courtesy chuckle

I speak my mind
Try to delve deep into the issue
And they stare at me
With blank
Dumb
Mindless
White
Agreeable
Arguable
Black
Red
Eyes

The blue has been robbed from everything
I want the blue back
Blue meaning skies dotted lady bug-like
Clouds

Blue meaning cool meaning pure
Shivering pain and pleasure water

Blue meaning a Jay’s song
Or the thick juice of berries

Blue meaning more than I do
Not muted denim
Watercolor
Rainbow
Sneaker
Spearmint
Back-up lighter blue

Nature’s inexplicable blue
That splashes from certain frogs
Or birds
Sort of

That blue

That blue that eyes should be
Placid lake warm soft
Ripples small and over quickly
Lived-in
Life-giving
Body-cooling
Heart-holding
Tear-mingling
Hair-waving
No breath blue

That blue

That you

Thoughts on "Daughter"

God who knows...

Daughter

Daughter


And as they stretch, these woods
Dull sunshine
Leaking through gaps, thin and terrified
She runs after the rabbits
My daughter
Laughs to be here; young and living

She reminds me to live
To build with sand and water and wood
To appreciate Earth’s sons and daughters
Her moss and rain and rocks and sunshine
Her bumblebees, lizards and rabbits
To breathe, be not terrified

Of this truth which IS terrifying
What it truly means to live
Like the 4 year old naming the rabbits
Moving in-between suns
In places damp, cool and wooded
She is our daughter

When he calls her “Daughter”
We 3 know the lie, and are terrified
Looking forever away from the sun
Pretending to be alive
Ignoring the soft, welcoming woods
Where I take her to see the rabbits

The truth likes to skitter and hide. It rabbits
All focus on her, my daughter
Wanting to scream with truth at these woods
Crouch and tell her, terrify
Hurt her fragile life
When all she knows is sunshine

I will not eclipse her sun
She may chase rabbits
All her life
I won’t stop my daughter
I will stay terrified
Hiding, unlike her, deep in my woods

These woods have always terrified me, Daughter
Along with the sun, these rabbits mean my life